Tuesday, December 30, 2014

Marsupial pouch

*6am, drinking coffee with my Dad pre-flight*
Him: Do you think your carry-on bag is going to be overweight with that sewing machine in there?
Me: I don't know....
Him: Hmmm
Me: I wish I had a marsupial pouch. Then I would just be like(suave voice) "This is all me"

Monday, December 29, 2014


-after having a huge fight on Granville Street-

She reaches across the table
and crushes my tiny little sister fingers in her "I will kick your a** palm"
we smile at each other
and agree 
to disagree on everything

Sunday, December 28, 2014

The Last Man

-she swirls the wine glass-

Him: What does it smell like?
Her: ....oak, with a hint of cinnamon..... light tones
-he looks at me-
*I close my eyes and inhale deeply*
Me: ... it smells like the last time I slept with a man

The Rule Of Numb

I walk my dog until my legs go completely numb. 
this takes about 15 minutes in -50 weather

Accidentally Dropped Acid

I have this theory that however you spend your New Years Eve is how your year will go.

Last year:
Drank a copious amount of champagne
Accidentally dropped acid
Wore inappropriate footwear for -30 weather
Got in a huge fight with one of my best platonic male friends after he confessed his love to me and I did not reciprocate
Made out with a gorgeous woman in a black sequin dress
Went to a fancy dress party
Ate poutine
And kissed a handsome stranger

This year, I might stay home and watch The Hobbit.

Saturday, December 27, 2014

Blank Space For Your Name

The Mom: My three year old was singing, "I'm a nightmare dressed up as a daydream" into the karaoke machine
Me: The Taylor Swift "Blank Space" song?
The Mom: Ya
Other lady: That's my theme song!

Is something burning?

-Christmas day with the fam-

Grandma(peering around): Is something burning?
Little girl in pigtails: Can I have a yoghurt?
-Little boy runs screaming through the living room-
Peruvian Mom: NONONO te toque que hace calor! MIRA!
-Three year old in pink unicorn slippers hops by singing "Let iiiiit gooooooo letttt it gooooo"-
Me: I can't find the celery
-Fire alarm goes off-
the adults wave kitchen towels through the air

Thursday, December 25, 2014

My brother cut my hair

-the razor buzzes-
Me: Maybe this could be an alternative career for you haha
Him: I don't know....
Me: If it's really bad I will just say you were drunk!
Him: Too much eggnog?

(he actually did a remarkably good job of my hair!)
P.s. While writing this I got hug attacked by a five year old
P.s.s. Gotta run, apparently I am part of a snowman building project

Merry Christmas Baby!

This is what I got you:
*glitter kissssssesssss*
Just kidding, I got you a crockpot! Silly!

Rainbow Christmas Tree on BC Ferries

So, BC ferries officially wins for having the greatest Christmas tree of all time 
They even wrote me on Twitter!
and yes, my phone really is ALWAYS dying haha
did you hear that Santa?

Wednesday, December 24, 2014

Fine racing machine

-at a red light in Vancouver-

My sister(gesturing to the car beside us): I see your corvette! And I raise you a smart car!
Me: Rev your engine!

our fine racing machine bahaha

Christmas Eve In A Pear Tree

On the day before Christmas Vancouver gave to meeeeeeeee
One niece in pigtails
Two latkes and a gluhwein
Three minutes of my Mom crying
Fouurrrrrrrth Av emergency shooooopping
Fiiiiiive presents wrapped!
Six hours with my big brother
And a brandeeeeliooooon in a pear treeee.....

Monday, December 22, 2014

The island vortex

I never wear makeup at my parents.
Or do my hair.
Sometimes I shower, but mostly I swim in the sea.
For one week.
Every year.

Hobbit plane

Broke into hysterical giggle fit upon entering into the world's smallest hobbit plane today.
Could not. stop. laughing. 
Small planes are terrifying.

Sunday, December 21, 2014


This weekend I:
1. Danced for 5 hours straight in 3" heels
2. Saw "The Nutcracker Ballet" (with a live orchestra and everything!)
3. Did a shot of something blue

Christmas vacation rating so far 10/10.

I see you

Food was a good choice.
Second best choice I made today.
First being seeing you.

Friday, December 19, 2014

Not queer as in "F*** You" but lesbian as in "Love you"

Mixed feelings recently when I saw this fairly famous cartoon and so I started really researching it:
I like the term queer but don't feel it really applying to me as someone super *feminine dating someone else super *feminine. Although haha, I suppose in the true spirit of queer rebellion I could choose it anyways and "stick it to the man" so to speak and cause utter confusion(if you can't convince them, confuse them? amiright? haha)
Ok. Also I'm pretty against gun culture. Just rubs me the wrong way.
Maybe, if you change the gun into a glitter puppy bomb that upon explosion releases thousands of tiny labrador retrievers upon the victim and kisses them until they succumb.
Ahem, anyways I do REALLY like that queer is a sort of all-inclusive umbrella term. And I respect people with strong informed political opinions who chose this as their term and lifestyle.

But honestly you guys, I'm just happy to not be in the closet anymore.
Being gay/queer  and out is ummm...... really awesome.
And it's hard to be angry, when you are surrounded in so many beautiful people.

So I'm proposing, Not queer as in "Fuck You" but lesbian as in "Love You".
Because I've really been shown nothing but love and acceptance since I came out and I feel pretty damn grateful.

*feminine(as per used above) : in the "stereotypical" sense, e.g. love pink, sappy romantic movies, flowers, walks on the beach, pina coladas......hmmmmm pina coladas........wanders off to find pina colada......


that is all.
may the debauchery begin

Thursday, December 18, 2014

Happy holigays!

I write you today from beside my teeny tiny Christmas tree where I am sitting in boxers spending my night picking fabrics for a new fashion collection I'm designing(EXCITING!)
I love my job sooooo muchiiiiieeeee 

Tomorrow is the last Friday before Christmas break!!! And I CAN'T WAIT to see my friends and family! It's been way way way too long. Many bear hugs to be had by all!

7 days until Christmas!!!

Tuesday, December 16, 2014

Dyke the halls

Dyke the halls with cats a merry
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la
Pretend to be straight to appease Uncle Larry
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la
Don we now our gay apparel
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la
Eggnog and rum so we get feral
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la

See the denim vests before us
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la
Skrillex haircuts always a plus
Faaaaa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la
Follow me in merry measure
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la
While I tell you of rainbow treasure
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la

Gatheround in our hipster glasses
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la
Hail the new year, queers and lasses!
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la
Sing we joyous all in leather
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la
Tie me to Megan Fox with a tether
Fa-la-la-la-la, laaaaa-laaaaa-laaaa-laaaaaa!

Pet friendly

If you don't like dogs maybe you shouldn't live in a pet friendly building.
Also if you don't like my dog there is no hope for you.
She is giant marshmallow with a tail. 

Monday, December 15, 2014

The 100

I am becoming part of my futon for 3 reasons:
1. The TV show "The 100" on Netflix
2. Winter
3. Bettie(my dog) lets me use her as a pillow

Literally all I did this weekend was go out for brunch with my lovely lesbian friend, go to the gym twice, and watch like 20 episodes of that show.
I can't help it. It's good! 
And actually I know a few of the actors from when I was working in costumes onset in Vancouver....which is perfect because I never watch scary movies and if I wasn't randomly reminded that I know the actors I probably wouldn't be able to sleep haha

Saturday, December 13, 2014

The 5 lesbian haircuts

This morning over delicious non-vegan* gasp* brunch (thats's right people we aren't all vegan! aaaamazing!) my most excellent lesbian friend informed me about the 5 lesbian haircuts.
Too good not to share!
P.s. I am not-so-slowly becoming OBSESSED with poached eggs! What sorcery is this!? Bah!

1. The dandy/Beiber
(quiiiiiite dapper!)


2. Assymetrical long in front
.....or long in back(aka side mullet)

3. One side shaved
 (oh heyyyy it's me!)
4. Both sides shaved with top bun
(this is a fancy swirly one but usually it's like this but just a plain bun)
(p.s. babe alert!)
5. The rooster( I don't know what this is actually called but I keep seeing it on lesbians leading to me believing it is "a lesbian thing")

Thursday, December 11, 2014

Bend And Snap

Me: How's it going?
Him: I hurt my back at dance class
Me: Were you doing the bend and snap?
-I demonstrate-
Him: I wish!

My flatlock brings all the seams to the yard

My flatlock brings all the seams to the yard
And their like
It's better than yours
And damn right it's coverstitch on knits
I can lap seam
But I have to charge

So much time!

On Tuesday a stranger told me I look "exactly like Taylor Swift when she used to wear her hair curly"


1. You actually totally made my week
2. Thank you!
3. I'm never straightening my hair again haha
4. I just gained about 4 hours of my life back each week. What will I do with all the extra time?!?!

Wednesday, December 10, 2014

Speaking of naked selfies....

Dear person who "accidentally" synced my Dad's IPOD to my computer when I was 20 and uploaded photos of me in lipstick and a questionable amount of clothing onto his machine:

3 things:
1. I know who you are.
2. You still owe me
3. I like shoes

I'm pretty sure we are both still traumatized. 

Naked selfies

Her: You know that pic you posted on your blog of the naked girl holding the cat in front of her?
Me: Ya
Her: I was in the shower and tried to take a selfie of that to send to you as a joke
Me: Hahaha amazing! Wait, with which cat?! The one that attacked me as I came into your kitchen?!
Her: Ya

now that's extreme dedication to the arts you guys
hahaha....oh man.
this girl rocks 

Monday, December 8, 2014

It Gets Better Video

This is for all the kids on Instagram too scared to come out yet.
It gets better.

Sunday, December 7, 2014

Unbearable Lightness Of Being


Sweaty, in my favourite cat shirt
We walk through the snow back to her place
And laugh about how many denim vests we saw at the lesbian dance party
And about how many people we both knew there

She tells me how her radio show inspired a kid to come out
And I'm not surprised
Because she has a gift of stubborn optimism 

there is weight to the lightness of being
there is meaning

Saturday, December 6, 2014


Me: She is getting her masters
Mom: What is she studying?
Me: Women and gender studies
Dad(yelling from afar into the speaker phone): I want to study women!

Me too Dad. Me too.

Brownie Points

Me: Oh my gosh what happened?!
-there is an angry red bleeding spot on his forehead-
Him: I was walking and looking to make sure you got across the street safe and I walked into a tree

Such a gentle hombre!
For you sire:
4 bandaids from the hostess
1 gauze patch
6 fruit candies from the front desk
and endless brownie points

Friday, December 5, 2014

Faking It

All my favourite allergy friendly foods!
It's not the real thing, but it will be our secret. Mmmmk?
you totally thought I was going to write about something dirty didn't you!? Pervs.
(please tell me you have seen When Harry Met Sally) 
I would like to partake in your pecan piiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiieee

1. Wow Butter. 
Tastes just like peanut butter!
I suspect it is made of unicorn hooves.
And glitter.

2. Daiya (dairy free) Cheese.
It's good on everything.
I checked.

3. Wild Roots Gluten Free Pancake And Waffle Mix

4. Wine!
It's peanut, dairy, and gluten free!


Her: I know someone I want to set you up with
Me: Oh, cool
Her: He is into art stuff too
Me: ......but I'm gay
Her: He's bi!
wtf?! haha
one bisexual man plus one lesbian does not a couple make. 

Thursday, December 4, 2014

Feisty Blonde

Me: I locked my keys in my apartment this morning
Him: How did you get in?
Me: I smashed the lock off
Him: What?! How?!
Me: With my hands

Wednesday, December 3, 2014

Eyebrows On Fleek

Me: What does "eyebrows on fleek" mean?
Her: It means your eyebrows are looking good
Me: ....when did eyebrows become a problem? I've never been like, "Omgggyouuuguuuuuuys I am having THE WORST eyebrow day ever!"

Don we now our gay apparel falala lalala lalala

-texting in bed-

Hitting the gay
omg phone

Her: You're so gay

You probably think this song is about you
You're so gaaaaaAAAYyyyyyyyyy

Ba ha ha
You're so gay you probably think this song is about you don't you

"Don we now our gay apparel falala lalala lalala"


is a sort of flawless mirage of Dadaism chaos
the kind of woman you immediately fall hopelessly in love with:
slender and hidden beneath a massive semi-transparent t-shirt
jeans ripped at the knees
combined with a deeply sincere aura of not-giving-a-fuck
her studio:
empty except for a desk
curiously placed neither near the window, the door, or the centre of the room
her designer handbag is flung by the entrance
oblivious to it's own value.
on her desk is a sewing machine
she tells me she could never work in a cubicle again
she's French, I think
and when I slam the window
the glass shatters onto the sidewalk
frightening the photographer's dog