Wednesday, July 30, 2014

Tinder Vs. Plenty Of Fish. Notes from a seasoned sailor-ess.

She punches me in the arm. Kinda hard. It hurts but she follows it up with, "Shut up! You are so cute. You make me nervous." And then she giggles. We both cheshire cat smile. Cobbles underneath our feet. I was teasing her about something-hence the punch-but I can't remember what now....she has nice hair. I'm distracted. Old staircases hang off the heritage buildings. "Want a sip of my beer?"She raises her eyebrows. Eyebrows. We talk about eyebrows. Bits of the night fly back into my memory. Yes, she has man eyebrows she says. We laugh. We laugh and laugh and laugh. This is good. More of this please.

Instant rewind 4 years:
He opens the door. 35 pairs of sneakers in boxes arranged  by his front door. He says he is a nurse. Riiiiight. You aren't fooling anyone buddy, but ok. We sit on his couch. I have known him for about 30 minutes.
Him: "Do you have any piercings?"
Me: "Ears, you?"
He pulls out his Netherlands from his pants to show me it is pierced.
I leave.
Who does that on a first date?! WHO?! Gross.

Tuesday, July 29, 2014

Lesbian High Fives

Woman at work: So what do you do on the weekends since you are new to town?
Me: I go to the beach and hang out with some friend I have made. I'm also seeing someone. It's new but really great!
Woman at work: Oh nice! What's his name?
Me: Actually, I am dating a woman.
Woman at work: Awesome! 
She high fives me!
She high-fived me!!!!!!
A colleague in the fashion industry gave me a sincere high five for dating a woman!
Then I danced around my desk in a whimsical fashion throwing glitter everywhere and bear hugging people. 
Ok fine, I didn't. But I wanted to!

Monday, July 28, 2014

Smelling Nail Polish And Kissing Girls

Me: I like your shoes. You always have great man shoes. I should borrow them one day(this is me flirting). I have big feet. I totally could fit them.
Him: Um thanks. You always have nice pink nail polish.
(It's true. I always have a manicure. Cause I'm girly and like bein purdy)
Me: Thanks! You can borrow it sometime! I have a whole bottle.
Him: I just want to smell it.
*incredibly awkward silence*
Him: I have no idea why I said that.

If he hadn't said that I probably would have dated him in one more desperate plea with the universe for a functional heterosexual relationship- like a drunk clinging to shards of grass on the lawn terrified they are going to fly into the sun and burn up if they let go. And it probably would have worked. As long as we had sex in the dark. And I pretended he was Megan Fox.  Ha.

But as it all panned out I in fact did not date him. What I did was I went to Home Depot immediately and bought a big-ass lock and then I started dating a girl. And she came over to my place and helped me instal it on my door to keep out weirdos who want to smell my nail polish. Cause I'm girly and am not skilled with power tools(see above reference: hot pink toes). And that was the first time we kissed(awwww).

The Fun Police Are Cracking Down

Via email:
Mr.Landlord: "High heels are not allowed in our by-laws. Please don't wear them."
Me: " problem. Haven't worn heels in like a month...especially not inside my apartment lol
Mr.Landlord: Whatever the footwear is I am hearing."
Me: "Alrighty, no problem. Probably Bettie(my dog). She's always wearing my shoes when I'm not home! Rascal."

No response. Some people have no sense of humour! Also WTF there is no by-law against heels dude! Don't be a hater Mr. Landlord. If you want to borrow them I have some red ones that will make your calves look bomb. You only had to ask.

Sunday, July 27, 2014

Lesbian Wingman

"SEE! NOTHING IS SACRED!" She shouts in my ear. She points to two girls making out. "The one with the short hair- she is married to a different girl!" Says the shouty girl. "THIS IS WHY ALICE MADE THE CHART!" I shout back.
The shouty girl that I'm dancing with goes by "he" actually. You are about to get confused because now I am going to start calling "her" a "him". Still with me? Ok, let's go.
He tells me he does modelling. I believe it because he is pretty and slender and has perfectly toned arms. He tells me he isn't usually into "fems" but I have really beautiful eyes. It is convenient for 2 reasons that he doesn't like feminine women:
1. I'm already seeing someone
2. I don't date guys for a reason. Because I don't like guys. And he is a guy.
The friend I actually came to meet has been abducted by a girl with fluffy hair and dark lipstick who won't stop talking. The girl, I mean guy, I am dancing with tells me that he is the designated wingman for the night. He has now taken me under his wing additionally as I told him this is my first time at this fine establishment of glitter and I came alone. Because I am a badass. Or a nut job. Or possibly both! Ha! It was a split second decision while in cab heading home from partying somewhere else. And since I am sitting on my stripey couch with a fluffy labradoodle typing this unharmed I would say my instincts once again didn't let me down! High five.
A dragqueen is onstage singing an upbeat dance song. People sing along. Boys swing around poles. We go to find vodka. It's delicious. Should be get a second? Yes? I concur! We have two.
Both bathrooms are gender neutral which means anyone can use either of them. They both smell fairly bad. I think this is the result of urinals. Hard to say as men's washrooms are not really my area of expertise. While I am in a stall I hear a high pitched male voice yell, "Don't look!" and then eruptions of laughter. Outside on the patio everyone is smoking. It kind of smells like watermelon and the bouncer looks exactly like Pornstache! "Do you think it's real?" Wingman asks me. We decide it's fake.
Sometime around 3 or 4 am I decide to take off. Hop into a cab. The cab driver asks me how my night went. "Great! How about you?" I say. He tells me his night is going well and he says that I am very nice. There is a small silence and then:
Cab driver: You came out of that club. That's a gay club.
Me: Oh really?
I pretend to muse.
We both laugh.
I devour a bowl of spinach with salsa on it and pass out. The end.

Saturday, July 26, 2014

Orange Is The New Brandy

No. I'm not in prison. But I think I'm in love.
She's amazing, funny, smart, beautiful, and it's not a phase.
My Mom made me buy Sioned O'Connor instead of Spice girls. Is this why I'm gay? Or is it because I like Tegan And Sara before they were out of the closet. I can't believe I was ever in my closet...there are so many shoes in crowded....
I wanted to tell you long ago but you see I was afraid. And was in a dark place. But now I am living in a place full of soft kisses and hand holding and glitter and rainbows!
My girlfriend and I are on a crowded rooftop patio party. She touches my back and I smile at her. We kiss. In public! My friend lights up a joint on a heat lamp. The music is pumping- JayZ cause Beyonce is coming to town. We get super drunk and stumble home. I put on some Songza. Currently really into "Pacific Coast Highway Drive". Check it out guys.
Everyone at work knows I am dating a girl. And they don't give a damn. Welcome to the 21st century. Even my Dad knows! It's all good. I've lost 80 pounds of denial and guilt. I'm terrified to post this.
But I am who I am. This is who I am.

Sunday, July 13, 2014

Folk Festival Fashion Recap! Sock in sandals! And more!

So I went to Folk Festival this weekend and because I am obsessed with fashion(in the good way!) I was watching what everyone was wearing. There were some huge trends for sure and many strange dressed folk which I enjoyed thoroughly. I value the eccentric oddity and praise them for being themselves!
So, here's what I saw. The good. The bad. The ugly. Lol

1. Crop tops and hight waisted 90's jean shorts. This has to be #1. HUGE. And honestly, in some cases very hot. The more I see this the more I like it.
2. Long flowy skirts and tank tops.
3. Old clothes.
4. Strappy shirts where the back has lots of unique cut outs and such
5. Flip flops for sure
6. Toms. So many Tom's. If you don't know what Tom's are I will attach a pic. I really dig that they are a fashion brand that gives back in a huge way to the under privileged. Fashion spreading positivity rubs me the right way.
7. Sadly it torrential down poured on Saturday so I saw some cool rain jackets come out. Mostly people were underprepared though and just got wet or hid in the beer tents until it let up. Luckily I didn't get wet because the only change of clothes I had is my prom dress which is in the trunk of my car haha I am not kidding. I have been meaning to take it to the consignment store but instead it's taken up residency in my trunk. These things happen. Also have some life jackets in there too. You never know when you might need a life jacket lol......ya
8. Socks in sandals. This actually makes sense to me because those plastic flip flops are the devil. I finally found a great pair this year actually made by Sanuk. Sanuk makes the soles of the flip flops out of yoga mat so they are super comfy and the part that goes between your toes is made of fabric so they don't rip the skin off your toes. They rock. Go buy some. Actually, I was recently reading a trend report about how socks in athletic sandals are a huge runway trend. So, salute to you Folk Festival comfort seekers! Setting trends;)!
9. Also saw some tie dye
10. My friend wore an awesome giant fur coat at night because it was super chilly. I was dawning a rainbow striped Mexican blanket which had been my festival blanket for sitting on. But it was dang cold so it became a cape lol.
11. Tilly hats. Long live the Tilly hat lol!
12. Tattoos! Many dreamcatchers and also organic Art Nouveau inspired ones. A lot of artsy ones too which I couldn't figure out what they were...
13. Dresses. Every kind....not much to say about this one. Oh on a side note I just want to mention lawn chairs with backpack straps! Brilliant invention. Not really clothes but had to throw that one in here.
14. Lots of lace/crochet trims. I saw quite a few really beautiful ethereal tops with nice trims.
15. Turquoise rings and jewellery. On all different ages of people. Oh and flower headbands! I think most of these were from Etsy or homemade. Saw some very cute ones.
16. Maxi skirts with crop tops. These are worn like the high waisted short so you just see a line of waist skin. It's not like the entire stomach area is showing. That is more of an 80's thing. The thing going on now is more of a 90's look. Hide that belly button haha
17. I can't believe I almost forgot to mention the Palazzo pant!!!! Omg I saw so many amazing hippy ones. I am not sure where they came from or if they made them at home but they were great. I love to see people being individual and not giving a damn. They were big and glorious. You could hide a monkey up one leg!

Saturday, July 5, 2014


It's true what they say about sunshine and exercise making you happy and releasing endorphins. Also French bras. And high heels. They always forget to mention those.