Friday, October 31, 2014

Little Miss Sunshine (Halloween)

We dressed up. 
We wore socks in sandals.
There was a top hat involved.
Today, was a victory. 

Thursday, October 30, 2014

Proceed with caution

Proceed with caution
if you see me in the grocery store
 with all of the following items in my basket:
1. Chocolate almond milk
2. Chocolate bar
3. Chocolate covered chocolate with chocolate on-top
4. Tampons

Chances of survival increase by using the following phrases:
1. You look skinny today!
2. Those sweatpants look awesome!
3. Here, have some wine and Advil!
4. I bought you high heels!

No one is safe. 

Wednesday, October 29, 2014


Your heart was the cold side of the pillow
on a hot night

I fell for you like this:

Naked And Famous

I find an art show while walking my dog

-via text-

Him: Hey! Whatcha up to?
Me: At an art show!
-I text him a picture of a painting of a naked man's backside-
Him: Hey! How did you get that pic of me?!

Tuesday, October 28, 2014

everyone loves a good mullet

Ok, maybe not the best EVER, but this is AMAZINGLY AMAZING people.

if you are gay and you say you don't like this you are lying
no, shhhhh 
just stop.
everyone loves a good mullet

*in a hushed voice*
Her: People ask me obscenely inappropriate sex questions all the time when they find out I'm a lesbian. Does that happen to you?!
Me: Haha! Ya
Her: I wanted to start a website called where people would email their questions in and I would be like, "YES!" or (she raises her eyebrows and puts her hand up), "NooOOOooo!"

as you can see, no one wears the pants

How it is

-being a fashion designer-

Her: How's work going? Haven't talked with you in a while
Me: Good!
Her: Awesome lady! I'm glad!
Me: Even when it's stressful it's like...I draw clothes all day

I have the best job in the world.

Monday, October 27, 2014

Eat Your Dog

-waiting to cross at a red light with my dog-
*I recognize 2 of the local homeless guys approaching behind me*
Homeless guy #1: Can you spare some change?
Random pedestrian: No, sorry
Homeless guy #2: It's so cold and no one gives a f***!
Homeless guy #1: Hey, can I eat your dog?

Dude, for real I was going to buy you pizza.
But now I'm going to buy pepper spray. 

Men In Pantyhose

-Getting ready for the pre-Halloween Halloween party-
*I lean on a wall while he irons his shirt*
Him: So I went into Winners and went up to this girl and was like, " I need some pantyhose" and she just showed me where. No reaction at all!
Me: Haha! Maybe that happens a lot to her? 

Anticlimatic Boo Radley moment

Two Lipsticks Are Better Than One

-I gaze out the window at passing cars-
Me: I want to do a trip next month to Montreal!
Him: Don't you want to go somewhere new? You just went there
Me: Ya, but one of my best friends lives there.....aaaand I met someone there....she's amazing...
(I look at him)
-we both smile-

Sunday, October 26, 2014

American Lesbian History

*Los Angeles*
-second year of Fashion School at FIDM, American history class-

Professor: Turn to chapter 5 for the civil war and refer to page 2 of your notes......

*his voice blurs out for what is maybe a milisecond, maybe a couple minutes*

She has long flowy hair like Jasmin from Aladdin and tiny beautiful bone structure like a ballet dancer. Once in pattern drafting class she leaned over to me and whispered, "Your hair is so nice, like a cloud!" into my ear. She looked straight into my eyes like she could see my soul and touched it with her left hand.

I'm shot into reality by my friend:
Him: That's not what you want. She's a total Princess. I know her.

Not a princess, she's a goddess. 

Dating Barbie

*2 am*
-Halloween party-

Me(dressed as Super Woman): Hey, do you know where the after-party is?
Her (dressed as Barbie): No, sorry
Super Woman: Oh ok, no worries. Thanks
Barbie: I hope you don't mind I was dancing with your boyfriend
Super Woman: Oh he's not my boyfriend. I'm gay
Barbie: Nice!
Super Woman: Do you want to go for a drink sometime?
Barbie: Ya sure!

and then I did a little happy dance like this:

Justin Timberlake, Dan Bilzerian, and Super Woman go to a party

*pre-Halloween Halloween party*
-Calvin Harris blasting on the stereo as we fly down the freeway-

Me: Love this song!
Justin Timberlake: I am a good dj?
Me: For sure!

The Dan Bilzerian moustache/beard situation in the back seat is too good for words
haha, oh man

This is officially the song of the night:
high fives all around
awesome night

Saturday, October 25, 2014

Suuuuuuper Brandyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

I will save your kitten!
Let's go!
yEEEEEeeeeaaaaaa sATURDAYS!
Halloween should be biannual. 
I want to wear this everyday. No one can stop me! No one.
At 3am Super Bettie rolled in. Such a lush!

My Dad

My Dad is a vernacular wizard and has a way of giving genuinely excellent advice in the form of 1 to 4 words and then passing the phone back to whomever I was previously speaking to about my problem.

Most commonly:
1. Life is short
2. You need to relax
3. Next!
4. Let it go
5. Go enjoy your day!

We also both share the same uncanny sense of humour.
Which rocks. 

98% lesbian

-loud dance music-

Him(shouting over music): So, how gay are you?
Me(shouting): Very gay
Him(shouting): what percentage?
Me(shouting): Like 98%
Him(shouting): you are saying there is a chance!

Oh man haha.
This poor guy.

Goodbye Tinder

I closed my Tinder account last night.
Multiple reasons.
Mostly, people knowing the exact km proximity of themselves to me- kiiiinda creepy.
Just going to have to meet lesbians the old fashioned way.... face to face..... in plain ol' real life.
Time to invest in a cheekily subtly coded t-shirt I guess haha...

sorry Tinder, our relationship is over.

Friday, October 24, 2014

Lesbian Wisdom

1. When your significant other doesn't text you back for 5 days they are either
a) Dead
b) Don't want to talk to you
c) All of the above

Buy ice cream.

2. When your SO(significant other) says, "I don't care if you kiss other people. Do whatever you want." They DON'T mean it literally.

2. When you dress up for a lesbian event don't wear a dress. Unless you want to die alone. Or you are Brandy and you refuse to change your dress code to fit into a heteronormative paradym reversal.
Confused about what that means?
Me too.
Stick with the dress. You go girl.

3. Ha! There isn't a #3. Gotcha.

4. Waiting exactly three days to call someone back is lame. You like them? Call them. Or give their number to the homeless guy down the street. Doesn't bother me either way. I never answer my phone.
Ask my Mom.

5. When you are sad go to the gym. Still sad? Go more.
6. REALLY sad? Go to the bar.
7. Can't take it anymore, move provinces!

9. Men's razors. They make that sh** properly. None of this pink razor burn nonsense.

10. When you give up on love buy a dog(or 9 kittens). Worked for me. I had a girlfriend exactly 7 days after.

Hopium, like opium

Meeting strangers:

As I enter the bar I see her.
We make eye contact.
She smiles.
I sit down beside her.
She is exquisitely cool and confident.

Hopium, like opium.

Enchanted Lesbian Unicorn Band-Aid

On my way to work:
The only band-aid I could find in my apartment.

Thursday, October 23, 2014

How Taylor Swift Outed Me As Gay

*Years ago*
-Driving in Los Angeles with my fiance-

Me: Taylor Swift is so beautiful
-I gesture to a massive billboard of her face-
Him: You want to make out with her?
Me: No!

Yes. Yes I do. 

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

How Love Works(diagram)

Fun Sexy Time

Him: I still can't believe people get butt implants...seems dangerous to sit on that
Me: It's true! I promise. Google it! You know Nicki Minaj?
-he nods-
Him: Sometimes I wonder what someone would think if they read my Google history. It would be like, "Butt implants, stick-on birth control patch, Nicki Minaj"
Me: They would think you were a chick
Him: Who is about to look really hot and hook up with someone

beautiful summertime doldrums

-after first year-

Him: Here
-he reaches down and I grab his hand-
Me: How's your job at the cupcake store going?
-I climb the tree and dangle my Converse sneakers back and forth through the warm air-
Him: Pretty chill, nice break from UBC
-he takes a handful of cereal and hands me the box-

we watch the cars go by in the darkness
the red taillights slowly revealing the left side of his face
we talk about everything 
and nothing
the beautiful summertime doldrums

Tuesday, October 21, 2014

Terrible Vegan

It's probably not natural how much I love pizza.
I was a terrible vegan. 

Monday, October 20, 2014

Delightfully Strange

Her(disapproving): You are weird.
Me(enthusiastic): No, I'm delightfully strange!

At first I was offended and sad. 
But then I realized
I have a f***ing blast about 85% of the time haha
It turns out a synonym for eccentric is queer actually.
Found that lucky charm in the rainbow isle of Google;)
Next to some plaid shirts. 

we are born free

-phone rings-

Me: Hey!
My Mom: Hey! What are you up to?
Me: Just got out of the shower
My Mom: Haha did you know were you were really little after a bath you would always strut through the living room naked and go, "Like my outfit!?"
Me: Haha!

we are born free

Sunday, October 19, 2014

Ice Skating PUA

-I lean on the door frame-

Me: We should go ice skating this winter
Him: I was learning to skate but I never learned how to stop properly
Me: Me too!
Him: The instructor was incredibly beautiful so I would just run into her instead
Me: Haha! That's actually pretty genius

Sweaty Winter Habits

Every winter I get suuuuper into working out. It's really strange....maybe it has something to do with exercise endorphins replacing sunshine/vitaminD....who knows, not sure why.
Last year I even got biceps! It was pretty rad haha I was like, "Whaaa where did those come from?!!!?" One winter I even wanted to become a personal trainer. And another time I started training for the WBFF(same year I had biceps lol) Best part of the gym tonight was that I was alone so I was singing Pharrel Williams SUPER LOUD with my headphones in. Honey badger don't give a damn! Muahaaaaa

Anyways, it's begun:) 
Everytime I get back into going to the gym I'm like, "Wow! I feel AMAZING! Sweating rocks!" Haha
Here's a little Pharrel for ya. I suggest moon-walking.
Hmmm yup, definitely moon walking!

Born This Gay...I mean...Way

-sharing pepperoni pizza and red wine with one of my closest friends-

Her: Ya totally, everyone is surprised and like "(confused eyebrow furrow)really?" when they find out
Me: Haha I know! I spent soooo much effort hiding that I'm gay and then I finally come out and no one believes me! The irony is almost too much!!
-we both laugh-

Me last year:

Surprise Party

-at my friend's surprise birthday party-

My friend: Did you know your ex-girlfriend was going to be here?
Me: What?
-I look up-

a wave of shock drops through my body
all my insides are accelerating at different speeds
my stomach is in my lung

Saturday, October 18, 2014

Girl Crush

Last night:

Her- insanely gorgeous....just ridiculous
Me- jaw on floor

*we are dancing*
Her: It's so loud, do you want to go outside?
Me: Ya sure let's go
-we sit down, it's chilly-
Her: You are so beautiful
Me(blushing): Awwww no! You are
(whaaaaa? ...did I die? I in heaven?)
Her: Here, take my number. Call me.  

Too fat to model

Via Text

Me: Got my haircut today!
-I send him a pic-
Him: You model still? You look spectacular
Me: Too fat
Him: You don't look fat

Too fat to model
Too happy to care
(plus, I quite enjoy having boobs and a sense of humour again)

But s*** it was 99 cents!

-Halloween costume shopping-

Him: AH! Are those platform boots?!
Me: Where?!
Him: Aw no they are just pumps. I was like, "I want those just for everyday use!"
Me: Hahahaha! I love you!

-we see a rack of vintage fur jackets-
Him: I really think we should just go as Macklemore!
Me(rapping): What-what-what-what
Him(rapping): Bada badada badada bada!
-I pull out a massive fur jacket-
Me(rapping): Probly shoulda washed this smells like R. Kelly's sheetssssss...
Him(rapping): But s*** it was 99 cents! Bag it!
Me(rapping): Imma take your Grandpa's style! Imma take your Grandpa's style! No, for real! Ask your Grandpa, can I have his hand-me-downs?
Him(rapping): Whatchu know bout rockin a wolf on your noggin


Friday, October 17, 2014


I am pretty sure my neighbours think I am calling my dog "Papi" and not "Puppy".
#precoffeeslur #mooooaaaaaarrrrrrrrrcaffeine #fridaymorning #woooooooo!

If they ask, I will just say I named her after the L Word character:

Thursday, October 16, 2014

They dance. They kiss. They exchange numbers.

*Saturday* Brandy goes to a wedding. At 2am Brandy finally finds the only other lesbian at this party. They dance. They kiss. They exchange numbers.

*Monday* Cute wedding girl texts Brandy. They make plans to meet up. Brandy is happy.

*Wednesday* Brandy mets a comedian on Tinder. Brandy thinks, "Sweet!". Brandy goes to comedian's show.

-at the show-
The comedian: I am excited about moving to Toronto because there are more than 10 lesbians there!
-everyone laughs-
Me(in my mind): There must be more than 10 in this whole city

*Thursday* Brandy finds out that comedian girl already has a girlfriend. Brandy is sad but is happy to have a new friend. Later at night Brandy is looking through the comedian's Facebook photos and see's a photo of the wedding girl with the comedian. (Brandy can't lift one eyebrow but if she could she would right here). Brandy texts the wedding girl. Brandy finds out the wedding girl used to date the comedian girl.


...kinda reminds me of this haha

I would tap that

-looking for tank tops-

Me: Hmmm......I really want to go for Thai food
Him: Oh man last night I drove past that place! I was like (he does the head nod), "I would tap that"

Awkward encounters of the lesbian variety

Yesterday I was trapped in an elevator for 2.5 excruciatingly long minutes with the straight man who figured out I'm gay and asked me for lesbian sex advice.
it was

If there had been a window I would have done this:

he puts meat in my mailbox

Him: So is he still doing it?
Her: Not in the past couple days
Me: Doing what?
Her: My ex keeps putting meat in my mailbox
Me: Haha! What kind?
Her: Turkey bacon

Maybe she should make a dress out of it ala Lady Gaga

Wednesday, October 15, 2014


Sugar is very bad for you.
Give me all your Halloween candy.
I will protect you.