Sunday, November 30, 2014

If I had a cat

If I had a cat I would never wear pants
I would just walk around like this:

new friends!

Me: I took soup to a friend. She's really sick.
Him: Nice! Where did you guys meet?
Me: On Tinder.
Him: Whaaaa? You are back on Tinder?!
Me: It's the only way to meet other lesbians! I am *invisible*!
-he looks disapprovingly at his drink-
Me: Dude, I look so straight that when I am on dates with women other lesbians come over and ask my date out. True story.

It would probably help if I stopped wearing my one piece glittery bodysuit on first dates.

dating this awesome chick

Her: Tomorrow, can we stop at the fabric store?
Her friend: Why?
Her(super excited): I want to make a quilt with cats on it!

explosion of cuteness.

can't stop won't stop


Me: It's all good to me. People should do what feels right for them
Her: #truth lol
Me: #totes
Her: #howlongcanweusehashtagsinaconvo
Me: #cantstopwontstop
Her: #bahaha



I'm torn between going to see a Cuban band play, or karaoke, or just do nothing, or get drunk and dance around my living room pantless just because I can.

Queer Pronouns

Me: One of the first thing I learned about gay culture is to ask what pronoun people like
Her(pensive and confused): ....what is a pronoun?
Me: Like he/she/they. Some queer people like to go by certain pronouns. So it's polite to ask.
Her: So someone would use the word "they" for one person?
Me: Ya. Or some "women" go by "he". And some women identify as "queer" or "genderqueer" because it's more political and gender neutral. It's confusing, right? ....navigating queer culture.... I learn something new everyday

Buddhists have a saying called Beginners Mind.
It means to give yourself permission to make mistakes and learn what you don't know.
Not everything fits in a box.

Saturday, November 29, 2014


-via text-

Me: I'm off to bed
Her: Night!
Me: Gay night!
Her: Hahaha!
Me: Ah! Silly auto correct! I meant goodnight!

my phone is overly fluent in lesbian

modes of seduction

-drinks with my buddy-
Me: I have 2 modes of seduction, smooth and nerdy
*I give him weird sexy eyes*
Him: Brandy, I have never seen you be smooth
Me: Hey!
*I punch his arm*
Me: Hahaha by smooth I obviously meant awkward and cute
Him: Hahaha pretty much! I'm the same.

Friday, November 28, 2014

you have game

-she looks under the table-
Her: I can't find the missing pieces
-I peer across the wine glasses and pecans and under my left elbow-
Me: Oh! I have the game!
-I hold up a bag of orange pieces-
Her(smiling): Ya you have game.
-we both laugh-

Wednesday, November 26, 2014

Total babe

-2 lesbians texting-

Her: You should get your hair done where I go. So many babes work there.
Me: Lesbians use the word "babe" more than any other people I have ever met lol. I think we have claimed the word.
Her: Babe show
Me: Haha
Her: Babe city
Me: Total babe
Her: Babely



-On the phone-

My Mom: Did you get Bettie dog shoes?
Me: Ya, they suck though. Keep falling off while we are walking
-I hear my Mom typing on a keyboard-
My Mom: Whoah
Me: What?
My Mom: I googled "Booty" and didn't get shoes!

Haha. Oh man.

Lesbian At Airport Security

-at airport security-
Customs officer: Do you have anything to declare?
-I cover my eyes with one hand and unzip a large suitcase with the other-

*I wake up*

Rage Against The Machine

-quickly scans thumb-
Robot Voice: Please try again.
-scans thumb again-
Robot Voice: Please try again.
-slooooooooowly scans thumb-
Robot Voice: Please try again.

the dance I do when I finally get in:

Tuesday, November 25, 2014


Ran into my ex-girlfriend the other day.
And guess what?
It was totally fine.

Not that we acknowledged each other's existence.
We kind of circulated the way planets do:
without colliding.

Crazy In Love (right meow)

Her: We haven't named our new cat, so we call him Kitty Cat
Me: I think that's cute!
Her: My husband doesn't like it. He was like(completely deadpan), "What if the cat has to apply for a job one day?"
Me: Haha!
Her(smiling): I was like, "Ahhh this is why I married him. Only he would say that."

This, is exactly what I want.
But in lesbian form.
True love.

...or, I would settle for being the lettuce in this Tegan/Sara/Taylor Swift sandwich.
just saying

Lesbian gang

Her: There used to be a cool lesbian bar but it closed down
Me: Oh ya? It seems lesbian places are hard to keep open
Her: Ya for sure, niche market I guess
Me: Also like, what if one group of lesbians doesn't like another group and it becomes even smaller, you know?
Her: Wow, is that a thing?
Me: I don't know. I'm not part of a lesbian gang. I do have a beanie though!
Is there a pillow fighting gang? I would join that.

Monday, November 24, 2014

Lesbian Christmas Survival Guide

Her: Are you going home for Christmas?
Me: Yup!
Her: Have you seen your family since you came out?
Me: Nope!
Her: Huh...that's probably going to be really weird for you, hey?
Me: Yup!

To help I've created this three step
*Lesbian Christmas Survival Guide!*
1. Wine
2. Wine
3. Wine

High Five

Sliding on ice across three lanes of traffic, smashing into a concrete barrier, and getting out to discover NO damage felt a lot like God giving me a high five.

Looked a lot like this..... but with WAY more swear words before impact haha

Missing And Murdered Aboriginal Women

-at a fundraiser for missing and murdered aboriginal women-

Her(in the microphone): Sometimes I get really awkward and don't know what to do with my hands....and I always do the wrong thing. Like I will do this (she wraps her hands around her head in a twisty motion)
*the audience laughs in what I assume to be agreement (who hasn't been on a nervous date?!)*
Her: This next song is about that feeling

Well guys, I will blog about it with my (sometimes situationally awkward) hands.
(my very small way of giving back to a community that doesn't have the loudest voice, if one at all) 

It's astounded such blatant racism is still prevailing in the year 2014. We should have already progressed farther than this. 
When aboriginal women go missing they aren't searched for and this promotes this targeted violence. More than 1000 aboriginal women have been murdered since 1980.
And all human lives are of equal value. 

"Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world; indeed, it's the only thing that ever has"-Margaret Mead

Sunday, November 23, 2014

it's not my suit

-at a formal Christmas party with the guy I traded costumes with on Halloween-

*I enthusiastically wave at him*
*we waves back*
Me: Hi! It's so awesome to see you again!
*we hug*
Me(gesturing to his suit): You look nice!
Him(gesturing to my black lace dress and heels): You too!
Me: I still have your bodysuit Halloween costume....I hung it up my closet with all my regular clothes. It makes me happy every time I see it. I was actually going to wear it tonight.
*he heartily laughs*
What I am doing today:
(the only suitable thing to do after a weekend jam packed full of delightful Christmas shenanigans)
p.s. belly rub?

Kiss a girl in suspenders

"LOOK! HOOLA HOOP DANCERS!" my friend shouts to me
Two women in flapper dresses swing glowing rings around their bodies
I play with a stranger's boa
Kiss a girl in suspenders
In a sea of top hats 
and pearls

Saturday, November 22, 2014

Los Angeles New Years Eve !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I JUST FOUND OUT.............
I'M GOING TO BE IN LA FOR NEW YEARS EVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!I'M A LITTLE EXCITED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Compton, watch out. 

walking on thin ice

-years ago-

we walk across the lake
the ice is black and angry like smashed marbles
he passes to me and I deeply inhale
the bitter wind scorns my cheeks.
all my sins and all my good deeds melt together
I look down and it has not burnt a hole through the ice
I look down where the baby we lost should be
I look up and
start to imagine where I could go

Comfort, not speed

-last night-
Her: I was looking at your Instagram and I wanted to tell you at work but didn't know if it was appropriate
(I have no idea where this is going)
Her: You have the best boobs ever!
Me: Thanks! They are built for comfort, not speed!

in the words of Howlin Wolf.
some folks built like dis, some folks built like dat haha

Friday, November 21, 2014

Going deaf

Dr: So, has anyone ever mentioned that you might have hearing problems?
Me: Ya, my ex-boyfriend was like, "You need to get your hearing checked! You are going deaf!" But instead I broke up with him.  
Problem solved.

My last secret

When I pop the hood and pour window washer fluid into my little red car
I pretend I am Megan Fox in Transformers 
fixing the engine
like a bad-ass

you now know all my secrets

Thursday, November 20, 2014

Gay for the stay

Me: Whoah, that's crazy you are a correctional officer! Do you watch Orange Is The New Black???
Her: YES!
Me: Is it really like that?
Her: Ohhhyaa they are all gay for the stay

Feminism Vs Misandry

Him(gay): I can't relate to lesbian movies
Me(hetero, HA just kidding): What about gay movies? Did you see Broke Back Mountain?
Him: I just saw the sex scene like 15 times!
Me: What?? Why?!
Him: My friend kept playing it over and over to bother me 
Me: Haha
Him: A lot of lesbian movies have characters that hate men
-I pensively chew on the inner side of my right cheek for a second-
Me: I don't hate men. I just don't want to date them.... I also like pink though so....
Him: Haha if you made a movie about your life I would watch it

My exact expression when people think feminism and misandry are the same thing:

Barbie F*cks It Up Again

I took the liberty of re-writing the first few pages of "Barbie: I can be a computer engineer!" which has now been recalled from book stores haha
Thanks Feminist Barbie Hacker!

Wednesday, November 19, 2014


I am allergic to peanuts.
But I FUCKING LOVE peanuts.

peanut butter, peanut cookies, those chocolate bars with peanuts in them, Reeese's....NY roasted glazed peanuts, peanut brittle, peanuts on a boat, lesbians covered in peanuts(wait, what? what. what?)

Sometimes I lie to myself. I say, "Nawww I'm not REALLY allergic. I mean, when was the last time I checked? It will be different this time."
No it won't.
They still give me hives.
Which brings me down.
And it doesn't go away for days.

Peanuts, are exactly the same as checking my ex's social media.
So, if you ask me what they are up to
I will suggest you go check!
I have no idea haha
I stopped torturing myself like that somewhere around the age of 25.

That's right. Head rubs yes. Peanuts no. 

We judge

-last week-
Her (my lesbian friend): What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Going on a date!
Her: I want to ask with who but I don't want to gossip....the community is so bad for that....

oh girl

Cat fight

Her: So I ran into this douchebag guy I used to date with his new girlfriend and I don't even use Twitter but she immediately "Tweeted" or "Twittered" or whatever it's called and was SUPER mean about me
Him: How many mean things can you say in 140 characters?!

How this would be solved in nature:

How I "became" a lesbian

Me: So one of my ex-boyfriend's friends sent me a weird text yesterday like, "Rumour has it you became a lesbian. Well, as long as you are happy, congrats" haha
My awesome gay friend: Whaaaa?!
Me: I KNOW....I was like ummm, what? haha

-at 2am awesome gay friend texted me this-
so much win

Tuesday, November 18, 2014

Ellen Breaks The Internet

soooooo this just made my day hahaha

Heroines, 101.5 UMFM discusses legalizing prostitution

The Pandora Box:

When I was 14 I had a lot of questions
for my Dad when he brought the book Heroines home from the library.
Inside, were photos of marginalized female drug addicts on the streets of Vancouver's Eastside.
No words in the book, just a few poems.
I still remember vividly a photo of a frail woman who was clearly homeless bundled in a blanket, sitting on the sidewalk, putting on lipstick in a tiny hand held mirror.
So much like you or I would do.
My Dad explained to me that drug addiction is a disease, not a crime.
And that they need help, not prison.

Tonight I listened to a really interesting show called "The F Word" on 101.5 UMFM radio about Canada legalizing prostitution and criminalizing the purchase of it, the way it is in Sweden. A very interesting point was brought up- if studies show prostitution as a side affect of poverty then why are we are focusing on creating more laws instead of focusing on solving poverty problems?

Was it poverty that led to prostitution that led to heroin?
Or was it heroin that led to poverty that led to prostitution?
DO some sex workers really enjoy the work they do?
And if so, who's right IS it to tell a woman what she can and can't do with her body?
Sex itself is not inherently violent.
So why is the sex trade outrageously violent?
Is the violence a side affect of it being illegal?
I still have so many questions.
It hurts to look.
Which is why you should.

Our house

hahaha what happens when 2 lesbians build a gingerbread house:

Monday, November 17, 2014

(Almost) Too Gay To Function

Me: I got this rad tuque in Montreal! I love it. I wear it when I'm having a bad hair day
Her: Hahaha that is such a lesbian thing
Me: Really?
Her: Ohhhh totally
-she points to a girl with a skrillex haircut, geek glasses, and a tuque-


First Date

Him: So how was your date?
Me: Great! Omg!
Him: What?
Me: Ok so this super drunk lesbian asked my date out while we were on the date. It was soooo awkward and funny haha and then when she found out we were on a date she apologized and bought us whiskey sours
Him: Bahaha that's hilarious

femme problems lol
luckily the benefits outweigh the cons

Sunday, November 16, 2014


          they tried to make me go to rehab I said bow-wow-wow
#snow #winter

Sexy non-sexy-time date

-2 girls and a guy go to a bar-
no, for real

Her: You totally should come to the Christmas party!
Me(I turn to my guy friend): You can be my sexy date!
Him: Ok!
Me: I non-sexy-time sexy date
Him: Haha don't worry I know what you meant
Me: Haha sweet
.....wrong cake guys....wrong cake.

Saturday, November 15, 2014

Ethical Slut and definitely Not THAT Kind Of Girl!

Disclaimer: Not all of these books are gay. And sadly, neither are all the women on Earth.

So, if you ever wondered, "What does Brandy's bedroom look like??? OoooOOOOoooo"
Now you know haha once you leap over the pile of books by my bed you will find it quite relaxing. Think of it as novice-mid level cardio endurance training. If you make it past the books, you can stay.

So, here is a snapshot of what I have been reading. And yes, I actually am reading 6 books at once. Cause I'm a bad-ass.
(my socks almost match today!)
And I shall quickly summarize and rate each:

Bossypants by THE Tina Fey: Hillllllarious, kinda memoir-esk

The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy: About open relationships and family structure. VERY VERY interesting. Talks a lot about jealousy and respect and communication. I doooo recommend. Once I'm done you can borrow it.

Not THAT Kind Of Girl by Lena Dunham: Oh Lena. No one does brutal honesty like you. She also wrote the TV show "Girls" which is hilarious and awesome. Great and so funny. Do read.

Bad Feminist by Roxane Gay: Read this while I was in Montreal. Not my favourite book but had some interesting points.....not a fav.

How To Be A Woman by Caitlin Morgan: I only skimmed this in the book store and bought it. Looks SUPER funny though from what I read. Good British humour.

The Art Of Possibilities by Rosamund Stone Zander: Good book. Written by an orchestra maestro. It's mostly about leadership and teamwork. Also about creative thinking and problem solving. I like.


Hot Date

Him: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: I have a date!
Him: Nice! Where did you meet?
Me: At a wedding and then she was away on a trip. She just got back.
Him: Ah, you should have gone with her!
-I gesture to the world-
Me: But I must make clothes! Or what will the people wear?! They would be naked!
Him: .....could be ok
-we both laugh-

Fashion And Wine

In high school there is a course called CAPP(career and personal planning) in which you build a financial plan based on a newspaper job and find furniture and plan your food bill etc.
My Aunt pointed out that it wasn't realistic. We debated. 

Now, as an adult I see it IS flawed because it did not account for my deep love and affection for clothes and wine. 

Friday, November 14, 2014

Vegan Teddybear

*-27 outside*

-an elegant lady in a purple and black fur coat gets into the elevator-

Me: I like your jacket
Her: Thanks! It's teddy bear plush!
Me: Vegan teddybear, I hope.
-she looks confused-
Me: ...not real teddybear fur. Vegan teddybear. No teddybears were killed in it's making?
Her: Haha! You are cute.
-she smiles-
Me: What's your name?
highlight of my day

2 second rule:

How to make me happy in 2 seconds or less: plug in Christmas tree.

Works all the time, 90% of the time.

Thursday, November 13, 2014

Kardashian Insouciant

 Despite my general insouciant feelings towards this subject:

what I have to say about Kim Kardashian showing her front and back COMPLETELY nude on the internet:

1. I'm actually totally ok with the nudity.
Women shouldn't be ashamed of their bodies.

2. It's not society's job to tell you what kind of body surgery you should/shouldn't have.
But just so you know Kim, you probably looked great just the way you were born.

3.It could have been classier. Next time get Tim Walker to do your photos ala the Kate Moss "Love Magazine" photos. If you are going to get FULLY naked for the entire world and show them EVERYTHING, make it beautiful. Make it art.

                             Let's ask Obama if he liked the photos:

Lesbian Santa Letter

Dear Santa,

I have been good....pretty good this year. I have not run over any little old ladies, I eat my collard greens( kale a collard green.....what are collard greens?!), and always have protected(ish) sex.
So! Since you are so busy I made this handy shopping list for you (I'm so considerate!)

1. Someone to clean my shower
2. Expensive shoes....ok fine this isn't a "need"

3. Plane ticket to LA. No, for real. I need this.
(below: what I will be doing there)

1. Sexy girlfriend/partner to see 3-4 times a week
( OMGAWD look how cute we are!!! so in love)
2. We will (obviously) need a U-haul booked approximately 4-5 weeks after meeting so we can live together

3. If we could move straight into a home outfitted exactly like Anthroplogie that would be great!
Hope I'm not asking too much. By the way, that beard looks hot on you.
You were so hipster before the hipsters.