Saturday, January 31, 2015

Built to feel

-hanging with my friend-

Him: You are so sensual
-I smile at him-
Him: So affectionate.
-I shake my head no-
-he shakes his head no but with question mark eyebrows-
Me(trying to be serious): Nope, not affectionate at all.
-we both laugh-

the only crime is withholding real love.
and disrespecting your body.
we are built to feel

Thursday, January 29, 2015

First Funeral

Went to the first funeral of my life today.

The service was really thoughtful....
sometimes it's hard to find the perfect words for a friend at a time like this...
none of them seem good enough ....
or seem to reach far enough...
 or to be consoling enough.....

which is when I resort to being exactly like a Labrador Retriever who puts it's paw on your foot when you are crying. I don't have words. But I'm here. And have limitless word-less hugs for you.

If it will make you smile
I will also do a really terrifying twerk style floor dance that resembles this:

Wednesday, January 28, 2015

JUST glitter

Me: Oooooooooooooooo I love your nails!
Her: Oh thanks! They are just glitter
Me: There is no such thing as JUST glitter!

below: how I feel about glitter and sequins

It's REALLY me!!! aka getting wrongly arrested for fake ID

.....oh hey there!
New years resolution to lose 35 pounds? DON'T DO IT! Here's why:

-three days after I bought my first home (awwwww!!!!)
Policeman: License and registration please.
-I dig through my chaotic glove compartment, mortgage papers fly out, lip-balm, glasses, broken pens, an apple, three almost empty bags of almonds, a diary with sketches, 2 bottles of pink nail polish, and a screw driver-
Policeman: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I have no idea (I honestly have no idea)
Policeman: You can't make a left turn here after 5pm

-he looks at my ID-and then me-and then my ID- and then me-
Policeman(sternly): Stay here. 
-he walks to his police car and appears to be typing things into his dashboard-
-he comes back and is staring at me intensely and says nothing-
(I'm starting to feel really awkward)

Policeman: What is your dog's name?
Me: .....Bettie....(*in my head* WTF IS GOING ON?! I'M SO CONFUSED!!!!)
Policeman(angry): This ID looks nothing like you. Birthday?
-I tell him-
-he looks at me and then the ID and then me and then the ID and then me and then the ID-
Me(suddenly realizing what is going on): Ohhhhh!!! I've lost like 35 pounds! And my hair has changed! I didn't have bangs back then.......
Policeman: What is your address? 
-I tell him the address of the apartment I just bought-
Policeman: That doesn't match your license
-he looks like he wants to punch a kitten-
Me: oooOOOOoooohhhh ya, I just moved. So that' my OLD address! I just bought an apartment!
-I look at my steering wheel and wonder who will feed my dog when I'm in jail-
-he looks at me and then the ID and then me and then the ID and then me and then the ID-
-he doesn't believe me goes back to his cop car-

The moral of this story: 
Do not lose weight.
Do not change your hair. 
You will get arrested for ID theft even though it really is you in the photo. 

Tuesday, January 27, 2015

Afraid to shower

*Texting with my next door neighbour about the E coli water scare

Him: Did you boil your water?
Me: Ya, thanks. You?
Him: Partttaaaayyyy
Me: Where? Your place is so quiet. Is it a party for the deaf?
Him: Ya man, I'm going to buy some bottled water and watch the new Louis CK special
Me: oooOOOooooo for realz? Can I come? I'm partially deaf! And since it's not safe to shower(is it safe to shower?!) and I've watched all of season 4 of Girls
Him: Ya sure I will let you know when I'm back. I'm sure it's safe to shower though guys, if I die please rescue me but don't look, ok?

Monday, January 26, 2015

Epic New York Storm

So I was supposed to be in New York for work right meow
(because I have the greatest job ever ever ever!) 
but the trip got postponed last minute

and New York is in a total state of panic right now
because of this epic snowstorm which is going to be the worst in history
(not even a hyperbole, thats what the meteorologists say)

anyways, my Mom texted me today and was like
"You know, you actually have a guardian angel haha you always narrowly escape disaster"

She is 100% right about that. the time I accidentally rented an apartment in the LA ghetto
(they said there was a park...on google it has a rowboat on it.....they didn't mention is was a crack-park, ok?)
and my landlord turned out to be a big time porn director
and the poet upstairs started leaving creepy poems under my door at 3am
and there were cockroaches
and I almost got abducted by a truck full of scary men 
but I ran and hid behind a house 

or the time in New York when my roommate got antibiotic resistant flesh eating disease
I'm not even making this stuff up you guys haha

so, whatever/whoever keeps saving me.....
This is for you:
(please ignore my adam's apple....meh.)

Boys will be boys

*hanging out with my friend*

Me: Hmmm do you have any lip chap?
Him(mischievous grin):....only on my lips
-we both laugh-
boys will be boys.

Sunday, January 25, 2015



Him: Hey! Whatcha doing?
Me: Laundry, shower, chilling, you?
Him: Chillin. Defending socks from dog. Laundry. Not wearing pants.

Apparently I know no one who wears pants at home.

Sunday Funday Video

finally kicked the flu(fist pump)
stoked to go see friends!

I told you. She's a good dancer!

Good advice

Family wisdom that has been bestowed upon me:

My Aunt: Justify yourself to no one
My Uncle: If your name is that of a fruit it is acceptable to get a tattoo of said fruit
My Mom: Take care of your feet and buy good shoes
My sister: Always have $20 cash on you for a cab
My brother: Don't give a s*** about what other people think of you
My Dad: Having a sense of irony is equal in value to a sense of humour

Bob Dylan

I don't always wake up looking like Bob Dylan.
But when I do it looks like this.

Meet me by the stage

-I meet my friend by the stage and we give each other a big hug-

Me: Are you religious?
Him: Ya, I'm Christian. Do you believe in God? Or like, something up there?
Me: I think so. I mean, like fate and karma and... maybe god is just all the connections between people. How someone or something can be right beside you and you don't see it until you are us. I think we were meant to meet.

true friend

7 years ago:
we meet at Pride Parade
I have a hand drawn rainbow on my cheek
we leave our clothes in the sand and run into the ocean

this morning:
having one of those, "I NEED to talk with someone I super trust" moments
just when she texted me after us not speaking in ages
because she needed me too
we talked for an hour and a half until my phone died

in a way:
we've never have had to "put on" anything around each other
we get to just be-
real and raw.
full of hilarity
celebrating what happens in this crazy world
that's how I know she's a true friend.

Saturday, January 24, 2015

Reading mean comments

(I mostly get a plethora of love-mail
and new awesome friends, not hate-mail)
but sometimes
(pretty rare but it happens)
I get mean comments on my blog
none of which I ever respond to
but I will respond now to all of them at once and say
I honestly have a goldfish memory for negativity
so you are wasting your time

the only ones I remember super clearly are the funny ones.....
like the person who told me to "go outside" haha!
(pensive)....that's actually pretty solid advice and very PG of you. So thanks for that!
If there is one thing coming out of the closet did, it made me stronger.

Spring, I love youuuuuu

I am so hyper today and happpyyyyyyyy
Finally not sick anymore with that crrrrrrrrazy flu
and got so much exercise today!
and saw friends!
and got out of the house
sooooooo nice to be outside with my puppy now that it's not so cold
and just so happy happy happy happy happy happy happy

Craziest Tinder Story

Her: What is your craziest Tinder story?

Me: So, I met this girl and wrote about it on my blog. And then she totally flipped out at me! And I was like, "Oh noooo I'm soooo sorry!" And then I took it down and then she wrote me and was like, "HA! I WAS KIDDING!"(wtf?!)And then muuuuch later I realized it was because she had a girlfriend and was cheating on her

Her: Haha I love your blog! You can even break up with me on your blog! Be like, "Sooooo I am thinking about breaking up with this girl...ya...if you are reading this....I'll still see you at 7:30......let's take separate cars....

Thursday, January 22, 2015

The Little Things

Me: Dating women is so nice
Her: We smell good. We groom well. We can share clothes...
Me: What are your top 5 favourite things about dating women?
Her:....that look from across the room when you are into someone...hands through the hair...girls always know when you need a hug....we know the secrets to fighting and can't trick each other... and kissing
Me: Hmmm I like your list
Her: Little things matter to me

Wednesday, January 21, 2015

He's the butch one.

*via text after working super late*

Me: I'm resisting the urge to eat six cookies and pass out on my bed face down with my shoes on
Him: Omg that's my fetish
Me: Thought so
Him: I'm such a weirdo
Me: Some of my favourite people are pretty odd
Him: I must be your favoritistist
Me: Only time can tell
Him: I'm the bestest ever. And if you squint and are tired I kinda look like a butch lesbian.


Tuesday, January 20, 2015

My Grown-Ass-Woman Lesbian Breakup

The following evidence seems to be pointing me in the direction of being a fully functional adult
as some would say, "Being a grown-ass-woman"

(hides stick-on earrings behind back and nods in agreement with shifty eyes)
I just had what can most easily be described as the most amiable "breakup" of my entire life.
(and I'm pretty sure we are legit going to still be friends)
               ......quotation marks because it's complicated.
Like it always is, amiright?

But not "complicated" like that time I broke up with that guy 
and he broke into my place through the kitchen window 
and then stole my ID and then said it ended up in his jeans "by accident" (WTF?!) AND THEN drove around the dog park for hours car-stalking me. 
Not like that.

Sunday, January 18, 2015


Him: I apologize, I smell like cigars. I only smoke them twice a year.
-he shows me his new art-
Me: Don't worry about it
-he pours me a drink-
Me(sincere): You know, I actually like the aesthetic of smoking. It's sexy

*I make some air gestures indicating an elegant French woman smoking on a balcony*

Him(smiling): Oh, ya?
Me: Ya. I tried smoking once.... chain smoked all night at a party in LA

I was nineteen.
I sounded like Tom Waits for a week.

Saturday, January 17, 2015

New Year Resolutions

I don't reeeeally believe in NYE resolutions.
Once, I swore to floss every day and that lasted like 2 days.
I prefer to consistently pick up positive habits from people around me.
A osmosis type effect:

Example: Wow, I love how talented he is but elegantly modest.
or, I love how she dresses simple and classic but not dowdy
or, wow, she is super strong but compassionate
or I like how she is thoughtful but doesn't apologize for being herself
I generally surround myself in people I admire.

Anyways, I do have a few tangible goals.
1. Like most of the human population under the age of, let's say 35, I have a student loan. I am going to pay it off this year. Pretty attainable. And it was worth every cent because I love the crap out of my career choice. 

2. Take care of my body
Not in a crazy neurotic way but just you know, eat lots of veges, don't stress out, enjoy life, work out, sleep (preferably in spoon cuddling position with someone sexy.....ahem hem hem)
3. Learn boatloads at work. This is happening anyways. But I just want to be really present and absorb. Sponge-like.
4. Have fun! Just enjoy, have the best time ever(like you had to tell me twice, ha!), and don't fret so much over the small stuff

Friday, January 16, 2015

Top 25 Posts Of 2014!

Top 25 Posts Of 2014
65,000 views in 6 months
Thanks for laughing and crying with me
.....I love you guys!

1. Lesbian guide to Montreal:
2. The Parisian Way: Following Love
3. What it's like being a lesbian in a dress:
4. Orange is the new Brandy:
5. Tinder Vs. Plenty Of Fish. Notes from a seasoned sailor-ess.
6. I knew I loved you when:
7. Pastiche Not Pistachio
8. Tchaikovsky You Rascal
9. I crashed the NYE Party
10. Lesbian Santa Letter
11. More glitter, not cowbell
12. Shaved My Head! (lesbian haircuts for everyone!)
13. This interview is so gay
14. At the cocktail party
15. French kiss
16. Pork, Rainbow Balloons, And One Sexy Girlfriend 
17. Lesbian Witchcraft
18. It got better
***aaaaaand this happened
19. You are free
20. Snow storm in June
21. Love her
22. Lesbian sex ISN'T "real" sex
23. How love works
24. They dance. They kiss. They exchange numbers. 
25. Girl Crush