Saturday, February 28, 2015


-driving with a hot lesbian-
Me: I don't think I know that song, can you sing it?
Her(laughing): Noooo, I only sing drunk and in the shower!
Me(smiling at her): I like both of those things.
-I almost crash into the back of a VW-


I love Chapters.
the slightly emo coffee house music
the overly priced nick-nacks arranged just so
reading 1/10th of 8 books in 45 minutes
the smell of espresso

you can find me in the humour section with my eyes closed 
smelling the pages


You only own what you protect.
your time
your body
your life

Of course
 I'll share with you
I'll give to you
but don't confuse my generosity with weakness

modesty is sexy as f***
and so is knowing your own value

Thursday, February 26, 2015

One for you Glen Coco!

I mailed my awesome friend a painting and she got it in the mail today!
It was this one:

If I die

1. Smash my computer. And phone. Please God.
2. Whoever ate the box of cookies and blamed me when I was four
It wasn't me. I'm dead. I would tell you by now.
3. Sister, I did eat the head off your Easter Bunny though when I was 5. Sorry about that.
4. I want you all to know....(big breathe) I'm a lesbian.
 Oh s***, you already knew that.
5. Mom, please don't open my dresser. Just light it on fire.
6. I demand everyone wear pink to my funeral and drink wine.
I had a good time! So should you.
7. There is an envelope of skill testing questions about my dog taped to the bottom of my bed. Whoever gets the most right gets to have her.
.....ok so I may have thrown in some Taylor Swift Trivia also....
8. If you bury me in pants, I will haunt you.
9. Brother, thanks for letting me nap on your shoulder in the car during my childhood. You rule.
10. Dad, "That's all she wrote!"

You go girl

Patricia Arquette just got REAL at the Oscars

Andrea Gibson, future wife

When I took Bettie to the dog park after work there was this beautiful purple smoke in the air....
it was coming from some kind of industrial plant
reminded me of this poem by Andrea Gibson (aka my future wife)
I know she's engaged and stuff....or maybe she is married now....haven't Google stalked her in a while haha
this is the poem.
I heart her.

Tuesday, February 24, 2015


Him: I think we need meninism
Me: ?
Him: Men don't know how to act anymore. Even opening a door for a woman can be seen as offensive. I like opening doors.
Me: I like chivalry
Him: Men have become obsolete. Women make as much money as men and can just go to a sperm bank now to have kids....(somber)we aren't needed
Me: Men aren't obsolete....your roles have just changed.
Him: I would love being a stay at home Fruitloops in my underwear and take care of kids.

Back in the day we needed men to open pickle jars and reach tall things...
Now we have her:

Human Target

Foreword: It drives me CRAZY when people begin a story by saying, "I changed the person's name for their privacy and protection" which is why I always just use pronouns. It's just a pet peeve of mine. I don't need to know you changed the name. JUST TELL THE DAMN STORY ALREADY.
But I am going to do that for the first time ever on my blog. Because I can't tell this story properly without using a name. *shakes fist at sky*

- Via email from my friend who shalt-be-named-ith "Dan" working overseas where he is a human target and I haven't heard from him in a while-

Dan: Sup
Me: Yo!
Dan: What's new there with yo bad self?
Me: Work, bike, make love, eat cereal, put on sparkley earrings, walk dog, flirt with cute girl, draw some clothes. Repeat, in no particular order.
Dan: So same old same old?
Me: Haha basically. You are still alive! Well done!! High fives*
Dan: Ya I'm pretty awesome at that

Before he left I made him a screen printed t-shirt for his trip that said, "I'm not Dan" on the front.
It's like an invisible cloak. But with better air circulation. 

Monday, February 23, 2015

Dear Nurse

Dear Nurse at the Women's Health Clinic who noticed me cracking a smile when she turned the screen away from me as she was taking down notes:

I was imagining you in a really bad mood doing your job and just typing, 
into people's files and how satisfying that would feel for you. 

Taking care of business

*I sit on the crinkly white paper, there is a poster of a whale leaping out of the sea on the roof, a life size structure of the female anatomy on a shelf

Dr(looks up from keyboard): Do you drink?
Me: On Saturdays.
*clickity click click*
Dr: Do you have tattoos or piercings?
-I make head gestures-
*clickity click click*
Dr: Do you smoke crack or share your toothbrush with your significant other?

those two things can be categorized together?!

Sunday, February 22, 2015

Free falling

I believe in:
instant connections
laying in bed together for 20 hours
talking about making cereal
but spooning instead
always wanting the best for you
always being honest
looking you right in the eye
and free falling

you busted into my heart like this:

No means no

*just met this guy

Him: You have wrinkled hands! They are worse than mine!
Me: Oh, ya they are dry from winter.
Him: No, I meant your knuckles
Me: .....they are knuckles....
(I'm pretty sure he was doing that thing where you insult a girl to make them feel insecure and then you hit on them)
-I turn around and leave-

*6 hours later
-he stumbles up to me while I'm chatting with someone-
Him(suggestive eyebrows): Want to go upstairs with me?
Me: No.
-I return to my conversation-
-he half turns away and then comes back again-
Him(his tacky gold chain swings around his neck): Are you sure?

I've never been more sure of anything in my life.

Her world

*her-absolutely gorgeous, the kind of woman who causes cyclists to crash into poles

She sprays perfume on me

Her: It's Taylor Swift
Me: Haha! No wonder I like it so much!
Her: I want to rock her world.
Me: Umm, what?
Her: I would rock her world. 

Saturday, February 21, 2015

Fifty Shades Of Rainbow

fifty shades of grey rainbow

there are the party lesbians
(aka the "I only do this drunk" lesbian)
the "I look gay even in a dress!" lesbians
the lipstick lesbians
the "leather" lesbians
lesbians who sometimes make out with men
lesbians who think they are men 
lesbians who go by "boi"
lesbians who have boys
femme lesbians
lesbians who go by "they"
political lesbians
"the queers", because labels suck.
free spirited lesbians
power lesbians
butch lesbians
stud lesbians
lesbians who wear dresses
the "dress up bow-tie wearing" lesbian
chapstick lesbians
the "stick to you on the first date" lesbians
the tattoo lesbians
baby lesbians
the "hasbian"
the has been thinking about coming out lesbian
the closet case
the case of beer lesbian
the "adventure college phase" lesbian
the gayelle
the supermodel lesbians
the super femme
the stem lesbian
the vegan lesbians
the cat-loving lesbians
lesbians who only like dogs
the retro vintage lesbians
the "what are high heels?" lesbians
curling lesbians
the hockey lesbians
u-haul lesbians
the "you kill the spider!" lesbians
the pillow princess lesbian
the pansexual
the bisexual
the "I will buy you roses" lesbians
the "I buy men's deodorant!" lesbians
the "transitioning" lesbian
lesbians who don't shave their legs
lesbians who shave everything
lesbians who will tell you all about it!

house party

Me: That's awesome you write too!
Him: What do you write about?
Me: Oh just random funny stuff from real life
Him: Like what?
Me: Ok for example, (I gesture) right behind you someone is giving someone else a pant-less piggyback ride to the hot tub through the foggy dance floor past the DJ while someone follows them around trying to cover them up
-he turns around and bursts out laughing-

Friday, February 20, 2015

In the family

-I look at my phone and start laughing-
Me: My Mom just texted me and was like, "You have bangs! Looks Nice! Workin your way around your head, only two sides to go!"
Her: Haha! Your Mom has a good sense of humour!

ohhhhh hahaha you have no idea
and you should meet my Dad!
Sometimes he calls me just to tell me something obscenely inappropriate and hilarious that he just saw/heard.
The funniest part of which, is the fact that his immediate reaction is, "I have to call my daughter and tell her!"


just realized that gay mail would be called gmail   
random thought of the day haha

Lipstick Lesbian

*we lean over the newspaper article together, forks suspended mid bite*
The article is titled "First Date Tips"

Me(reading aloud): Number four, slowly reveal your quirks
-we look at each other knowingly and burst out laughing-
Him(mischievous "meh" face): I prefer to just throw everything at the wall and see what sticks!

The real secret is to draw a moustache on your face in lipstick ala Kate Moss.
Works all the time, 50% of the time.

Thursday, February 19, 2015

My brother in the Hollywood Reporter

My brother's movie is in the Hollywood Reporter!!!!!!
Sooooooo coooooool!!!!

Meet Clive!

sooooooooo excited I got a stationary bike!
I named it "Clive the endorphin maker!"
Take that winter! Ha!

Hot Tub Party

Nothing strikes fear into the hearts of women quite like the words "bathing suit"
So, thank you Victoria Secret!
For making bikini shopping not a completely terrifying experience. 

You've got mail!

I don't always randomly mail my friends gifts.
But when I do, I make sure it looks super gay. 

Wednesday, February 18, 2015

Apples Vs. Bananas/ Sexual Preference

Watched this interesting video on Youtube tonight about "sexual preference" and "food preference" and how both are "genetic preferences". Aka not really choice but simply how we are born.
She goes on to explain how she doesn't like bananas. At all. 
99.9999% of the time she would choose an apple.

.....I also don't like bananas. I like apples. A lot. 
But I LOVE banana bread. If it's gluten free. And peanut free. And preferably dairy free. And preferably fed to me by Penelope Cruz.... on a boat.....somewhere tropical.....a girl can dream

So check out the video. Let me know what you guys think. 
It's really good. But not as good as this photo.
such a babe

The perfect man

Is there a lesbian version of this?
I hope so.

Tuesday, February 17, 2015

Morning glory

-lady gets into elevator with me-

Me(friendly): Hey! I haven't seen you in a while!
Her:...sorry I don't recognize you......
Me: Oh I used to see you in the mornings
Her(condescending): Oh, you have that huge scary white dog
Me(trying not to laugh): She is super should come over and meet her some day!
Her(snarky): I don't think so.
Yaaaassssss. Born killer.
Might snuggle you to death.

Monday, February 16, 2015

Four Things I Wish I had Known Before Coming Out

so, you've finally figured out that you don't want to BE Taylor Swift
You want to date her.
You are gay!
Here are the four things I wish I had known before coming out:

1. It won't define you. You have many attributes! Humor, artistry, really bad kitchen dancing skills that no one will witness but your dog! Being gay is part of every gay person's life but not their whole being.
2. Not everyone will like it. But for the most part you won't hear from those folks. They will just slowly fade from your life. And you will find yourself with really close friends because you can finally let your guard down.
3. It turns out being gay is actually "a thing" now.....I'm not sure when it became cool.....or maybe now I only hang out with people who think it's cool. But it seems to be the thing to be. WHY DIDN'T I KNOW THIS BEFORE?! GAH!
4. You will come out of the closet over and over and over and over. Unless I go and shave ALL my hair off. Which personally will never happen. Because me without hair would probably be semi-terrifying. Plus I like being "feminine". And I don't have to revoke that because I date women. I once shaved off 1/4th of it and it didn't help. Point being, no one assumes I am gay. Therefore "coming out" happens at least twice a week. Luckily it gets less and less awkward. Because also, one of the things I wish I had known before coming out is that you get tougher.