Thursday, April 30, 2015


Her: My parents sent me to " gay conversion therapy" to "fix" me when I was like 10
Me: Oh? And how did that go?
Her: ....well.....I'm your girlfriend
*we both laugh*


Mangoes: proof there is a god. 

Hey neighbour!

Met a man in the elevator who not only lives on the same floor as me but also has the 
insanely massive glasses that I have. 
We shared a minute of silent grinning on the way up. :)

Wednesday, April 29, 2015

I'm gay! Arrest me!

*hanging out with my lesbian friend

Me: Are you going to the festival?
Her: Not sure
Me: I went last year because Ani DiFranco was there
Her: Who's that?
Me: Whaaaa?! (teasing) Are you sure you are a lesbian?
*she laughs*

Ani DiFranco was basically the 90's version of Lady Gaga in Russia

Saturday, April 25, 2015

Dear sir in the pantalones

Dear sir,
I know I was lurking creepily behind you at the dog park. I was trying to tell if I designed your pants...
Sorry/not sorry,

too many

Me: I love my bike. His name is Clive
Him: Nice. What made you name him Clive?
Me: He's the man for me haha
Him: Gives a good ride?
Me: Haha so so many witty things to say. I can't even decide. 
Him: Haha too many

Nice n hot

Me: I'm not drinking right now
Her: Ohhhhhhhh
Me: Workin' on ma fitness haha
Her: You can't get hotter that's unfair
Me: Aw! Haha you are too kind
Her: I'm serious
Me: You aren't allowed abs then! Get rid of those haha
Her: Nice n hot.....totally not fair. You should be a bitch or less hot haha
Me: Haha! That might be the nicest compliment ever. Thank you!

Apples to apples

Son, I feel like it's the time in life when we should talk about important things. 
Like why is this organic apple SO f***ing good?!?!?!!
Ok so you know when you go out to a restaurant and they up-sell you and you are like:
Except you don't use that word.
Because ladies deserve to be spoken to with respect, damn it!
Aaaaanyways. That's how organic food is.
You have to pay extra for it.
Because it RULES. And tastes like actual food. And what I mean is it actually has a taste. Raise your hand if you have ever eaten a peach that tasted/had the consistency of sawdust. Point made.

Pro tip: Apples, celery, carrots are generally the most affordable. (And organic berries are the most delicious thing on Earth. I wish I could only eat organic produce....a girl can dream.)

It's like the difference between a one night stand 
and being with someone you are crazy-madly in love with. 
HUGE difference.
I know, I managed to go from apples to the subject of sex. I'm kinky like that. But hey, so was Eve.

Friday, April 24, 2015

5 things I've learned juicing

Hey! Put down that bronut!
1. Foam= sexy green moustache. I get to look like a lumbersexual?! Say whaaaa?
(sans chest hair)
2. Throwing beet into juicer without a lid= murder scene
3. Apples are the juicing equivalent of cheese. Before I became super allergic to milk(all the swear words) I used to put cheese on anything I cooked that tasted bad. It works like a charm. Gross juice? Add an apple. *boom* Amazing. DONE.
4. It's all about the benjamins celery, apples, beets, cucumbers. 
This is how you afford to juice and still buy the boots with the fuuuuurrrrrrrrrrRRRrrrrrr
5. Juicing=HYPER. Most energy I have had after working a full day in AGES. It's nuts. Actually it's fruity......and vege. Ha.

Sigh, I love my juicer. 
If it was a person I would kiss it every morning. 
Like this:

Thursday, April 23, 2015

Creature of the night

But I don't want to go to bed.
I want to stay up all night listening to slam poetry in the dark in bed.

Wednesday, April 22, 2015

the boy is lost

"Marriage", said the gambler, "is too scary."
I laid all my cards out
We leaned over the table together
I whispered in his ear
(I don't know how to play)
He nodded
and I never saw him again

Brooke Candy lesbianing?

*he dances around the kitchen with my dog*

Me: Haha! Ya Bettie(dog) has aaaaallll the dance moves! Like Brooke Candy!
Him: Who is that?
Me: The rapper? She claims she is a lesbian but there is all this controversy because her lyrics are pretty hetero
-he googles and holds up his phone laughing-
Him: Oh for sure with those nails!

Girlfriend material

as you can tell I have always been both super stylish and into rainbows lol.
You know what that bonnet is made of?
Girlfriend material ;)

Tuesday, April 21, 2015


gets closer on the couch puts
arm around me

he kisses me on the cheek
he wants me
I want


Walk of shame

*Sunday night eating sushi*

Her: Ya it was so....whoah! That guy isn't wearing any shoes!
-I twist around to see a normal looking guy crossing the street shoeless-
Me: Now THAT is the walk of shame!

At least he didn't lose his pants like this girl...
not that I'm complaining.


Oh glorious God of sun! 
Or son of God!
for the snow stopping and the sun coming out!

Beach, I am ready.

Sunday, April 19, 2015

3 Parties, One Night

Last night:
drag queens
kitchen dancing
hugging her parents
a gentle hombre jumped into a dumpster to rescue my wallet
2 friends made out
a tall handsome man tried to kiss me
hockey game
strobe lights
gay club
I love summer.

Saturday, April 18, 2015

Universal Law Of Love

it is the universal law of love
that as soon as you are like,
"Meh, I'm over them"
they will show up in your life again

*shakes fist at sky*

Hillary Clinton(A WOMAN!) running for PRESIDENT

Y'all ready for this??!?

In case you haven't heard Hillary Clinton is running for PRESIDENT!
I'm not sure yet if I am endorsing her political points(need to read more).
But um, did I mention she's a WOMAN?!
This is amazing.
What a fascinating time time in history we are witnessing!

Thursday, April 16, 2015

Instant Karma

Bettie and I playing fetch.
She drops her ball by accident and then pees on it.
Another dog steals it.
Instant karma.

Wednesday, April 15, 2015

My gay kryptonite

Me: I ran into him the other day at a party
My friend: Oh? How was that?
Me: (exasperated) AGH. 

Men chasing lesbians are like dogs chasing cars.
They have no idea what to do once they catch one.


Woman at the dog park (yelling at her puppy): Piper! PIPER! Give her the ball back!
Me(in my mind):'m sorry my gaydar is going off the charts here.
Me: Ok, seriously?!

Can I have your number?

Monday, April 13, 2015

Butch status

*texting my lesbian friend*

Her: Is your sink fixed?
Me: Working on it....called a plumber
Her: I think the plumber is more lesbian than you
Me: Waaahahaha I lost my butch status before I even got it!

Brandy to the rescue

Me: Which mall you at?
-she tells me-
Me: Oh, I've never been there
Her: I need to buy some shoes....I have no idea what to buy. All I have are Converse running shoes.
Me: Brandy to the rescue!

I am your knight in shining sequin pants. 

Sunday, April 12, 2015

Bad Housekeeper

I'm starting a magazine called "Bad Housekeeper". Every week we will feature someone who sucks at cleaning because they are too busy kicking a** at life and having a riot.

Rough mock-up based on "Good Housekeeping"

yes please!

Her: I saw you and Bettie leave during the fire alarm last night. Bettie didn't seem too freaked out. It's hard to miss the building wide alarm....though I could tell you a funny story about a naked resident wearing a thin sheet who did manage to miss it over, and over, and over again. She doesn't live here anymore.

ummmmm.....YES PLEASE!

Fire In My Building


-I bust through the emergency exit door into a blurry crowd in housecoats with various pets-

My friend: You failed the test!
Me: Haha! I can't see anything! I was like make it stop *motions pulling covers over head*
*laughter in the crowd*
Me: So this is what everyone looks like in the morning! How long have you all been out here?!
My friend: About ten minutes
Me: I couldn't find my pants...aaaand I'm much more sober than when I went to bed haha
My friend: Ah, good party? I have company tonight and I have this really special table that I have been refurbishing so I spent the night doing that
Me(playful teasing): And you didn't bring it down here with you?!
*she laughs*
-one last straggler comes through the emergency exit door-
Someone in the crowd: Took you long enough!
My friend: See, don't feel bad! You weren't the last one out haha
The straggler: It's amazing what you can sleep through!

E'rybody gettin tips

*buying wine*

Me: Do you want to see my ID?
Her: That's ok
Me(dramatic): I look old!
*I turn my face away in pretend shame*
Her: Naw, I'm just a slacker. I only ID if someone looks 15. (she smiles). You look 16.
Me(laughing): If you had a jar I would tip you!

Saturday, April 11, 2015

butch please

Discoveries from today:
1. I am not a plumber
2. I should not play plumber
3. I have tiny manicured girly hands and am not good at fixing sinks
4. I will never be butch
5. I am ok with all of the above points.

this girl

*texting her*

Me(sing song flirting): Ihavesummmmthinggggggggforwooooo
Her: Summmmthingggformeeeeeee? Your lips?



If Kanye West and I designed a shoe we could call it the Brandyeezy

Just sayin.

Girls got secret skills.....

*hanging out with my lesbian friend*

Me: Sorry my kitchen is a bit messy
Her: That's ok. What happened?
Me: My sink is broken. I know how to fix it though....I'm actually really good at plumbing.....
Her: You are so gay.
Stand back.

the boys

*loud hip-hop music, crowded dance party*

Me(laughing): what?! you are the woman?
Him(yelling): what?!
Him(laughing): I'm the woman!
Other guy(pointing by the bar): Is that woman naked behind that board?!

meet the boys

Friday, April 10, 2015

Hipster is dead. Normcore for the win.

*drunk texting*

Her: I'm in the middle of a girl argument over hipster......sooo out of my element......
Me: Haha! Hipster. Tell them normcore is the new hipster. I know I design clothes.
Her: I don't know a f***ing thing about is normcore?!
(side note: she likes to swear. a lot. *high five*)
Me: It's true! Normcore all the way!
Her: One friend of ours agrees.....the rest of us are lost

Dig out your white tees, babes. 

Thursday, April 9, 2015

Awolnation and consequently a book review!

Worst written book ever.
Haven't seen the movie(no thanks).
But damn this song is good.

Life is like that

Me: My collection is really coming together
Him: Nice!
Me: I read this great quote once that said, "Design is like a river, you pick things up along the way."
Him: Life is like that too

Tuesday, April 7, 2015

the last anhedonic winter days

as the last anhedonic winter days slowly peter away...
I feel less and less like doing this:
and more and more like doing this:
and this:
(running in a $6000 Chanel suit?!.....?!)
and vegetables and fruit are like:
I love you Spring.
Never leave me