Sunday, May 31, 2015

Laguna Pai: One day story

Check out this music video my brother directed! 
He's the freaking coolest

Lesbian Roller Derby

I want to play roller derby.
But mostly because I want to wear lots of makeup, knee high rainbow socks, and crash into a pile of hot lesbians who call me Brandelion. 

Saturday, May 30, 2015

The Evolution of LGBTTQ Rights In The World

The green part is where LGBTTQ rights are recognized as well as gay marriage.
The red part is where being gay is punishable by death or imprisonment.
Pretty wild that in the year 2015 sexual discrimination and racism are STILL an issue. 
We should have progressed farther than this by now. 
If you ask me. 



Her: I'm not going to the workout class this morning
Me: Honestly I really don't want to go. So tired. *drags limp body to coffee pot and pours coffee into mouth*
Her: You shouldn't go too!
Me: Oh god I do naaaatttttttttt want to go hahaha I have nothing to wear *cries into pillow* #firstworldproblems
Her: Lol!!!

God give me strength!
And caffeine!
And a one piece mock neck bodysuit!
So I can look as babely as these menfolk!


Life is short.
You have to enjoy every minute of it.
Or at least, try.


I love naps.
I am secretly an old man.

in disguiiiiiiiiise ;)

Wednesday, May 27, 2015

happy little accident

My parents didn't totally plan on having me.
I was a happy little accident.
Basically the Bob Ross of babies. 

Tuesday, May 26, 2015

your straight past is still crooked

Him: You really chose a side.... I still can't believe it and don't get it. *he shakes his head* I mean, it doesn't matter, right? would still date me?
Le sigh.
It matters because this is who I am
And I am proud of that
Because by choosing to not lie by omission I am building a life that is real
And because the only reason I can walk down the street 
holding my girlfriend's hand is because someone brave before me did it
And now I am strong enough to be that person.

reaching out

Gave a homeless girl from PEI who had 2 dogs a piece of fruit. 
She was SO happy and grateful.
Some homeless people actually are just hungry and don't want/need money for drugs and booze. 

Sunday, May 24, 2015

oh boys

Her: Can you pass me the blanket?
Me: Oh ya sure, are you cold?
Her: No I just want the cat to come sit on my lap
Me: He keeps coming to me. Probably because I don't love all cats
Her: That's so true! Cats always want the one that doesn't want them!
Me: Haha! Just like men!

Lesbians: the ultimate challenge!


Her: I didn't like Titanic. It wasn't romantic that he let himself drown
Me: It was sad! I was 12 or something!
Middle aged guy(teasing me): Wow, you just dated yourself
*I shrug*
Older guy: I was 12 when it sank!

I'm a belieber!

Me: You are totally going to catch the bouquet because you are feisty!
Her: Haha! No I'm always a bridesmaid, never a bride!
Me: Never say never! (mischievous grin) Justin Beiber said that! And he's a wise man haha
Her: I'm a beleiber!

Redneck numero uno

Met the first annoying redneck of my trip today in the grocery store. 
Considering I've been here 4 days this ratio is not too bad.

Traumatizing your cat

When I meow back at cats I always wonder what I'm saying. 
Like tonight I imagine Henry was like, "I'm scared, who are you? I'm under the couch!"
And I meowed back like, "Lipstick! It's Tylenol! Hot spot! Celine Dion Lion!" 

Calgary Lesbians

There ARE lesbians in Calgary!
I know for sure. I saw a table of them. 
One had a shirt that said, "Respect the bean." 
I'm not making this stuff up. 

Friday, May 22, 2015

Clive Burger

Just had a Kate Upton moment at Clive Burger.
Seriously you guys.

Thursday, May 21, 2015


...I may or may not have packed 6 pairs of shoes....
don't judge me!

hold my baby

The last time I was in this airport a total stranger handed me their baby. 
True story. 
I guess I don't give off baby-thief vibes....if it had been a puppy.....

Wednesday, May 20, 2015

dustin' off the boots for the weekend

Whaaaaatup Calgary?!
Get ready! 
Here I cooooooome!


Her: How much does she eat?
Me: One scoop twice a day
Her: Is there anything else I need to know about her?
Me: She loves snuggles!
*lady gives me an unamused look*

how is that not an appropriate answer?!


is a very real thing

beautiful day

good music
leather pants
open toe heels

what more could a girl ask for?!

Monday, May 18, 2015

Canadian Catcalling

Walking Bettie at dusk on an empty street. A man on a bicycle crossed the centre line. 
As he got near me I started to get a little nervous. 
Then he just shouted, "WOW YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL!" and biked away. 
Canadians! Polite even when they are catcalling! Haha

Hear no evil

Him: Hey gorgeous! How are you feeling?
Me: Good! Great day! Having an allergic reaction to something though and my ear is twice as big as it should be
Him: Oooo, that's not good
Me: It will be ok. Ooo! Haha! I meant to text you and say it's like Pinocchio but my ear instead of my nose!
Him: From hearing things that aren't true!

Tiny dancer

Sorry to diverge the convo from Hillary Clinton
but guys I the only one who thinks it looks like Diane Sawyer is wearing a body suit and no pants?!
....she could rock it.

Living in London, England

*giving a tour of my apartment*

Him: Oooo can I look?
Me: Ya sure
*he opens my closet*
Her: OMG I love this jacket!
Me: Aw thanks! I got it in England. It was my special thing when I lived there
Her: You lived in England?!
Him(smiling): This b**** has been everywhere!

Reasons the movie "Chef" is awesome:

1. It's super funny
2. It has John Leguizamo from Romeo and Juliet in it! He seems like a cool chill dude....we should be friends.
3. Sophia Vergara. I mean, come on.
she's pretty much perfect
4. The music is great!
5. The food looks sooooooo delicious omgggawwwwds. It reminded me of being in Montreal. People there take time to prepare and savour good food. I respect people who cook well. It truly is an art.
6. The little kid in it is adorable and looks remarkably like my's probably the hair. Anyways, soft spot. What can I say.
Cute munchkin.
7. I love that they end up going on a roadtrip. Everything about roadtrips is a yes. Always. Remember when the show "Weeds" went on the road?! Shenanigans! You really can't go wrong.
I want to go to Miami now
Go see it!
(it's on Netflix;))

Sunday, May 17, 2015


It's May.
It's snowing.

(I have to create a new label/group for this post called "Surviving Canadian Summer. And by summer I mean winter. But in June!" Maybe that's too long.

I'll just go with, "AGHJHJHAAGHA!" a group dedicated to things too terrible for words!

Lightweight On Non-Date-Date

*I frolic over to him while he's cooking eggs and give him a bear hug*

Me: I'm a little drunk. First drink in 5 weeks! I had a glass of wine on my non-date-date
Him: Haha nice!
Me: My stomach and my cheeks got all warm like when you have never had alcohol before
Him(smiling): Awww!
it felt like this:

Saturday, May 16, 2015


I don't always shave my legs. 
But when I do I feel like I deserve a reward.

Friday, May 15, 2015

Coconut! Not coco-not!

Opened my first ever real coconut with my baaaaaaaaaare hands!
Ok, fine. 
I used a knife.
I'm still a badass!

and then I dance around like this in a victorious manner:

My best friend's wedding

Me: So I am going to my besties wedding next week! I'm soooooo stoked! Can't wait for the bachelorette party! It's going to be *aaaaamazinggggg*!!!
*he laughs*
Me: I haven't had a drink in like....4....almost 5 weeks
Him: Haha oh ya! You have been green juicing! You are going to absorb it all! Oh man hahaha!
Me: I am going to have like one glass of champagne and be waaaaaaasted

I should practice haha


Me: Did I tell you I'm going to Montreal again?!!!
Him: For?
Me: Get drunk! Make out with hot girls! Dance all night!
Him: I want to come!
Me: You would make an excellent wingman!
Him: I don't want to be a wingman! I want to make out with hot girls!
Me: I was going to say, "I only know lesbians" but that's actually not true. They are like, "I'm French. I do whatever the f*** I want!"
Him: Haha!
it's true


My blog hit 100,000 hits tonight and it's been less than a year since I came out of the closet, started writing, and opened my life up to.....the whole world hahaha thanks for following me and all the love!
I never imagined it would get this is full of surprises!

Thursday, May 14, 2015

plaid: the official lesbian flag

My fashionable lesbian friend: I never wear plaid
Me: Me either!
Innocent straight girl: Whaaa? That's weird. It's so trendy!
*lesbian friend and I exchange knowing glances*
Lesbian friend(grinning): It means something else when we wear it!

Not really....kind of....maybe

Me: I'm wearing this long pink dress to the wedding. I was going to wear the green one but I think it's too slutty.
Her: Green one?
Me: Really tight and like *cat/tigress motions in the air*
Her: Ohhhh ya I know that one. I like the lace one!
Me: Lace one? OH! THE lace one!
Her: Ya!
Me: Hahaha I can't wear that to a wedding! That dress is like *I throw my hands up in the air*, "I'M SINGLE!!!"

mostly joking.


Me: Are you vegan now? I've never seen you eat meat.....only cheese haha and fries
Him: I'm meatatarian
Me: Haha seems legit. That's what I heard on the street. You minx.
Him:I don't want any vegetables harmed

Wednesday, May 13, 2015

put my thang down, flip it and reverse it

All I really want is a tiny pocket-size version of my hilarious friend who randomly bursts out into Missy Elliott old-school rapping so I can bring him everywhere with me.

run for cover!

lesbian oil wresting competition

I knew you were trouble when you asked me to go to the lesbian oil wrestling competition with you. 

I will oblige. 
I suuuuupoooooooooose
(mischievous grin)

8 types of lesbians you will meet on Tinder

1. Every girl you have ever dated! Yes! The gay world is really. that. small.
2. Super butch/ has a photo of her holding up some kind of dead animal/fish that she just killed. She has two kinds of shoes: Birkenstocks and combat boots.

3. Poly girl who has a boyfriend but is "totally queer"
4. The "bisexual" attention seeker. She's never going to date you. Begin singing, "Let it go" now.

5. Women who don't speak english and are visiting from somewhere exotic. So enticing. Yet eerie. Do they really exist? Or are they a creepy guy with a comb-over who lives in a basement?

".....what? What!? These shoes totally fit!"
6. Bored straight women who changed their settings for fun while going to the bathroom.

the gateway drug of all gayness 
dun dun.
7. The fake profile of someone checking to see if their SO(significant other) is cheating. 
If you have to check, you probably shouldn't be dating them.
8. And lastly, "The One". AwwwwwWWWWWWWwwwww.
I mean.....they have to be somewhere!