Wednesday, January 28, 2015

It's REALLY me!!! aka getting wrongly arrested for fake ID

.....oh hey there!
New years resolution to lose 35 pounds? DON'T DO IT! Here's why:

-three days after I bought my first home (awwwww!!!!)
Policeman: License and registration please.
-I dig through my chaotic glove compartment, mortgage papers fly out, lip-balm, glasses, broken pens, an apple, three almost empty bags of almonds, a diary with sketches, 2 bottles of pink nail polish, and a screw driver-
Policeman: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I have no idea (I honestly have no idea)
Policeman: You can't make a left turn here after 5pm

-he looks at my ID-and then me-and then my ID- and then me-
Policeman(sternly): Stay here. 
-he walks to his police car and appears to be typing things into his dashboard-
-he comes back and is staring at me intensely and says nothing-
(I'm starting to feel really awkward)

Policeman: What is your dog's name?
Me: .....Bettie....(*in my head* WTF IS GOING ON?! I'M SO CONFUSED!!!!)
Policeman(angry): This ID looks nothing like you. Birthday?
-I tell him-
-he looks at me and then the ID and then me and then the ID and then me and then the ID-
Me(suddenly realizing what is going on): Ohhhhh!!! I've lost like 35 pounds! And my hair has changed! I didn't have bangs back then.......
Policeman: What is your address? 
-I tell him the address of the apartment I just bought-
Policeman: That doesn't match your license
-he looks like he wants to punch a kitten-
Me: oooOOOOoooohhhh ya, I just moved. So that' my OLD address! I just bought an apartment!
-I look at my steering wheel and wonder who will feed my dog when I'm in jail-
-he looks at me and then the ID and then me and then the ID and then me and then the ID-
-he doesn't believe me goes back to his cop car-

The moral of this story: 
Do not lose weight.
Do not change your hair. 
You will get arrested for ID theft even though it really is you in the photo. 

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