Friday, October 10, 2014

how (not) to cook a turkey

-last year-
Tuesday night. 6pm. 
I buy a 16lb turkey for $10. How can this go wrong? ...right?

I happily throw the turkey in the oven.
I think, turkey is just like chicken. No probs guys. I have this.

A few hours later I decide to read the tag-which says, "Please be sure to remove the bag from inside the bird before placing it in the oven."

...bag inside the bird....inside....INSIDE??!?.....what bag?! What is IN said bag? What is said bag made of?! Noooooooo!!!!!

-phone sandwiched between my ear and shoulder while turkey fat and juice and all-together-bad-fleshy-things spray everywhere-turkey in the sink-turkey hot-turkey frozen-turkey bones cracking-turkey looks like tiny infant-where is the bag of mystery parts???!? Wheerrrrrreeeeeee

I am traumatized. 
I never recover. 

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